Intergalactic Christmas Ball
by Bekki Beekeeper
Summary: Daniel hasn't been invited to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball but there's someone there who he just has to see. Very silly. Cinderella but with a spaceship. [Daniel Vala]
1. Three Ugly Sisters and a Goa'uld

This was written for and is dedicated to Lisa!

**Title:** The Intergalactic Christmas Ball (Part 1 of 3)  
**Fandom:** Stargate SG-1  
**Pairing:** Daniel/Vala (and Sam/Jack too, if you squint)  
**Summary:** Daniel hasn't been invited to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball but there's someone there who he just has to see. With the help of his friends and a rather grumpy Goa'uld (and a large dose of direction from the Narrator) he has to make his way across the galaxy and slip in the back door...

_**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, which is probably fortunate, because if I did own SG-1 I'd do things like this in the show._

* * *

_Part One  
_**Three Ugly Sisters and a Goa'uld**

Once upon a Merry Christmas, there was a man. A poor, sad, lonely little man… whose name was Daniel.

"Hey!"

What? It's true.

"I'm not sad or lonely, I'm just…busy."

Busy.

"Yes! Busy. Too busy for girls."

Sh'yeah. So Doctor Daniel 'Too Busy For Girls' Jackson was a poor, sad, lonely little man and everyone knew it. It was tragic, really. His only friends were the alien rocks he picked up on other planets. Oh, how he loved those little rocks.

"I have friends! Besides, they're not rocks. They're artefacts."

Sure, Daniel, sure. Artefacts. And they loved him too. At least, they would have done, if they were alive. You see, it wasn't that Daniel was a horrible person. The people who met him liked him. He was very handsome, and intelligent, and rather cute, too.

"-_nods_-"

Unfortunately…

"Unfortunately?"

However…

"However?"

He had a bit of a problem.

"I do? I mean, I did?"

Yes. Coffee.

"Listen, I'm really not addicted. I could quit anytime I want."

Could you?

"Anytime at all."

Really?

"Yes."

Go on then.

"Go on what?"

Quit.

"…"

Heh. Point made. So Daniel had a caffeine problem. It wasn't his fault.

"No, not my fault at all! …Why isn't it my fault?"

Your three ugly step-sisters, of course. They drove you to it.

"Yes! They drove me to it! Wait a minute… I don't have any sisters, I'm an only child."

I said step-sisters, didn't I? Jeez.

Anyway. His three ugly sisters hated Daniel because he was way too smart for them. They were jealous. Jealous of his rocks.

ENTER UGLY SISTERS!

Daniel, meet your step-sisters.

"Oh, my, look who it is! It's four-eyes."

"Four-eyes…?" Daniel was quite offended – or maybe just a little miffed. "Hey, I know you! You're Colonel Simmons!"

"Stop standing around, polishing those silly rocks," snapped another overtly false feminine voice. "I want you to translate some alien text for me and my devious ends."

"Senator Kinsey?"

"Yis! Do something…humiliating," said the third ugly sister with glee. He had a very strange accent, thought Daniel.

"Who are you?"

"I am Russian."

"No, not where are you from," Daniel answered, "I guessed that. Who are you?"

"I am Russian."

Daniel considered this response for a short while, then with a stroke of inspiration asked: "Are you an underpaid American actor putting on a very bad Russian accent because your agent told MGM you used to live in Moscow?"

"…Niet."

Ah, these actors. Such bad liars.

"Narrator! Um, excuse me…Narrator?"

Yes, Daniel?

"Why have you dressed up – in drag – Senator Kinsey, Colonel Simmons and a man pretending to be Russian?"

-_giggle_-

"Oh. Right. Yeah. It's funny. Gotcha." And he let out a rather feeble laugh.

"Hey, I'm not feeble."

"Yis, you arre," said the Russian step-sister.

"No, I'm not!" Daniel asserted bravely.

"He's right," agreed Simmons, "you are. You always have been. Let's look at your personal record, shall we…?"

"No, let's not!" Daniel snapped. Kinsey sighed and flapped his manicured hands impatiently.

"Get on with the story!" he yelled. "I'm sick of standing around in this dress."

Why?

"Well, it's a dress! A woman's dress."

Your wife's dress.

"Yes, precisely!"

You told her you liked it.

"Well I don't! It's horrible. Look at it, big and flowery… I look like a–"

Nancy?

"Hey, come on now," Daniel intervened, "this is going a bit far."

You're right. That was offensive. Sorry, Nancy.

"That's okay," said Nancy.

"Who iss thiss Nency?"

Nancy.

"Who iss you calling a Nency?"

Why do you sound like a snake? Really! Sort out your grammar. It's very unnecessary to be making those sort of elementary mistakes.

"I apologise."

So you should. Now, I believe someone wanted the story to move on.

"Yes – me!"

"It appears, Senator," Simmons interjected, "that you have a history of _wanting the story to move on_. Let's just have a look at your file, shall we?"

Simmons, put the stupid files away, no-one cares. Even I'm getting bored now. Let's get on with the scene.

…

Psst. Say your lines.

"What lines?" asked Kinsey, smoothing his wife's dress down over his hips impatiently.

The lines I gave you to say before we started this story.

"Lines?" repeated Simmons as he leafed through one of his many folders. "I don't see any lines."

Argh! Do I have to do everything?

Everyone, all at once: "Yes."

Fine! You all mock Daniel for being a bookworm, words undertoned with bitter jealousy of his renowned archaeological and anthropological abilities, and laugh at him because he isn't popular enough to go to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball. Sorry Daniel. Maybe your invite got lost in the post.

"-_pout_-"

Okay, SCENE CHANGE! Three ugly sisters aren't needed anymore, off you go.

"Does that mean I get to take off this stupid dress?"

Yes, Kinsey, you can take off the darn dress. Just make sure you keep it for later, okay?

"Yeah, yeah."

Right, now that they're gone, our Daniel is all alone and sad. Come on, put some effort in. You've just been told you can't go to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball.

"Well, I don't really like parties, you know, so it's not that much of a big deal."

Don't say that until you know who else is going to be there.

"Who?"

You'll see. Now…

"No, tell me. Who?"

You'll find out! Let me continue with the story, will you?

"No, I want to know who else is going to be there."

Argh, stubborn people. I'll tell you if you play along for a while, okay?

"Hm. Okay."

Good. So. Daniel was very sad and rather dejected at the fact he hadn't been invited to the infamous Intergalactic Christmas Ball, where everyone who meant anything in the dealings of the galaxy would be on Christmas Eve. Daniel was sure that SG-1 had rocked the boat enough in their many years to have been invited to the Ball but clearly no-one liked him. So…

"Hey! I really am feeling low now. It's really mean to say that. People do like me. Just ask Jack, or Sam, or Teal'c, or anyone."

Ra?

"No… no, don't ask him."

Apophis?

"Uh. Don't ask him, either."

Osiris?

"Alright, alright, point taken."

Good. Now. Daniel was so upset that he picked up his favourite pet rock…

"Artefact!"

…and started talking to it. Oh, he said, my little rock friend - my only friend! I will never go to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball.

"I'm not saying that."

You have to!

"I don't talk to my artefacts!"

Well, who else are you going to talk to?

"How about Jack?"

Alright, fine. ENTER JONATHAN 'JACK' O'NEILL.

…

I said, ENTER JONATHAN 'JACK' O'NEILL.

"I'm not coming in."

"Jack?" asked Daniel, peering round the door.

"Yes, Daniel, but I'm not coming in until that darned Narrator gets my name right."

I have got it right. Simmons! Get in here.

"You called?" asked Simmons, prancing in through the door.

Yes. Now, Colonel I-Have-A-File-On-Everything: what, according to O'Neill's personnel file, is his name?

"Let me see, now…" And Simmons, in a very fetching pink-and-green frock, leafed smugly through one of his many files. "Ah, here it is. O'Neill, Jonathan. Known as Jack."

See? Jonathan.

"Know as _Jack_," came O'Neill's voice from beyond the doorway.

What's wrong with Jonathan?

"What's right with it? Carter," he called as she passed, "does the name 'Jonathan' suit me?"

"Sir?"

"Just a little discussion we're having," O'Neill replied. "The ol' Jonathan vs. Jack debate."

"Is this really necessary?" asked Daniel.

"Yes!" exclaimed Jack and the Narrator together.

"Sir," said Sam, just about visible through the open door, "if I may…"

O'Neill gave her an enquiring look then addressed the Narrator: "Hey, why do you call Carter 'Sam' and not 'Samantha'?"

It's a female solidarity thing. Stop being awkward.

"Me? Awkward? I'm not being awkward, you're the one that keeps wanting to call me Jonathan."

Alright, look. Will you come in and do the scene as agreed if I call you Jack instead of Jonathan for your formal intro?

"Only if you give me pie."

Hey, pie wasn't in the deal!

"It is now. Pumpkin pie."

-_rollseyes_-

ENTER JACK O'NEILL - and Sam Carter, too, as she's hovering in the doorway.

"Ho, Danny!" Jack cried merrily as he finally entered the poor archaeologist's lab. At Daniel's dejected frown - I said _frown_, Daniel - Jack smirked and added: "Full of the Christmas spirit, I see."

"I have a problem," said Daniel.

"We know, Daniel," Sam replied consolingly, "but it's okay. It's stress. We'll get you signed up the Caffeine-aholics Anonymous in no time."

"No, not that!" Daniel exclaimed. "I've already been through this, I don't _have_ a problem with coffee!"

And at that, everyone in the room rolled their eyes.

Simmons began dramatically: "Perhaps we should look at your history regarding your personal relationship with coffee, Doctor Jackson…"

Get out, Simmons.

"Oh. Well. If I'm not wanted here anymore…"

EXIT SIMMONS.

"Thank you," said Jack; Daniel and Sam nodded their appreciation.

You're most welcome.

Hm. We're missing someone. We can't have SG-1 without Teal'c.

ENTER TEAL'C.

That's better. Now, Daniel, I believe you were bearing your lonely and pitiful soul?

"Uh…yeah," Daniel answered, wise enough not to argue. He turned to his companions - the human ones, this time. "Well - apparently - I'm upset."

Because you have no friends.

"Because I… hey!"

And you can't go to the ball.

"Well, that's true, at least. I haven't been invited to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball."

Jack and Sam gasped; Teal'c remarked, "That is most unfortunate, Daniel Jackson."

"Hey, it's no big deal," Daniel responded, looking uneasily between his friends. "I mean, it's just some Christmas party. Half the people there will be Goa'ulds."

"Yes, but… what about the _other half_?" Jack asked emphatically. Daniel really did frown this time.

"What do you mean?"

Now, now! Don't give it away too early, guys. Daniel, are you finished whining to your buddies? 'Cause we have another scene to be getting on with, y'know.

"See ya, Danny," Jack smirked as they left.

"Um. Bye, guys."

EXIT ALL BUT DANIEL.

And then Daniel was alone again. He sank down onto his stool and moped. Go, on.

"-_mope mope_-"

Very good. Now you have to say the immortal words: Alas, I shall never go to the ball!

"Er… alas, I shall never go to the ball."

Once more - with feeling!

"That was awful," Daniel responded, startled at the use of such a shameless cliché. "You're lucky Jack's not here."

I know, I'm sorry. It's not my fault - I've always wanted to say that. Now I have, so we can get on with the story. Go on, say it again.

"Oh, alright. Alas! I shall never go to the ball!"

Wonderful! And as he said it, there was a bright flash: an Asgard transporter beam!

ENTER CRONUS!

"Argh," he roared, eyes flashing, "how I loathe your puny presence, human."

Daniel pursed his lips. "I'm not too keen on seeing you either," he replied; and, to prove it, he appealed to the Narrator. "Surely this can't be part of the story?"

Oh, it is, it is! Now, Cronus, you remember your contract?

Cronus sighed melodramatically.

"No killing, maiming or torturing without express permission. No stealing pieces of technology or Earth secrets. No misbehaving or disrupting the story in any way."

Good! If you break the rules the Ascended will bust your butt back to death.

"-_growl flash_-"

Now say your lines.

Cronus sighed loudly and muttered in flat monotone: "Oh, but you shall go to the ball."

That was truly awful, Cronus. You're a Goa'uld! Have some pride in your ability to project your voice. Go!

With the threat of death hanging over him, Cronus could do nothing else but roar: "Oh, but you shall go to the ball!"

Better. Daniel, what is it?

"Uh, I was just wondering… Cronus, didn't you die?"

He's been brought back for the occasion. He's been granted a break from death on good behaviour, you see.

"Good behaviour," repeated Daniel.

Well… for not turning evil like Anubis, anyway. That counts as good behaviour for a dead Goa'uld.

"Right."

Now, your line, Cronus.

"I am… I am your…"

Say it.

"But it is ridiculous!"

That it may be, but it's also in the contract - so say it!

"I'll get you for this, you--"

Ah-ah! No threatening the Narrator. Say it.

"I am your…" Cronus glared around the walls, fingers curling into fists. "I am your Fairy Goa'uld Mother."

Daniel, who had just picked up his coffee mug, choked on his drink. A loud hooting laugh came from just outside the doorway and Jack staggered in, laughing so hard he had to double over against the table.

"F-Fairy Goa'uld M-Mother!" he gasped in between fits. "That's… that's… that's priceless! Hey, Carter! Teal'c! C'mere, listen to this!"

Cronus glared, his eyes flashing - the lightning to the growling thunder of his throat.

"I am here to take you to the ball, insolent human!" he bellowed. "Why does your pathetic companion mock me?"

ENTER SAM and TEAL'C.

"What's going on?" asked Sam; then Teal'c raised his staff weapon (which he had signed out of the armoury for… some reason) and she noticed Cronus. "Sir," she said, alarmed, "should I get security?"

"No, Carter," Jack sniggered, "turns out he's Daniel's… _Fairy Goa'uld Mother_!"

Sam blinked. "Fairy-what-Mother?"

Fairy Goa'uld Mother. Like a Fairy God Mother but with awful dress sense and a rather unfortunate habit of taking over people's bodies.

"You are dead," Teal'c informed Cronus. "Dead by my own hand."

"Your own robotic hand, actually, T," Jack corrected, still grinning like a maniac. "Well, what do you expect?" Jack responded to the Narrator. "Of course I'm grinning like a maniac. Cronus has just admitted to a) being a fairy and b) being a fairy _Goa'uld_ mother. I seriously wanna see that guy wearing a tutu on the top of some festive tree."

"That," Cronus growled, "was not in my contract."

-_giggles_- It's a great suggestion, though. Maybe I should put it in.

"Uh, aren't we getting a little distracted here?" Daniel asked, clearly anxious for the story to move on. "Well, not that anxious," he answered, "just a little unsettled by the prospect of seeing a Goa'uld in a tutu."

Sam and Teal'c seemed to agree; so, yielding to the demands of her characters, the Narrator decided to move the story on.

SCENE CHANGE!

Twenty-something levels up and our lovely cast had gone topside, standing in the forested ground within the boundaries of the mountain. It was night; the stars glittered above them, decorating the deep blue sky with a festive glow.

"Oh," said Daniel, "this is nice."

Aw, thank you, Daniel.

"It'd be nicer with pie," Jack offered hopefully.

You'll keep bugging me until I give you pie, won't you?

"Yep," Jack grinned; so suddenly a pumpkin pie materialised in front of him. With a satisfied smirk, he bent down and picked up the plate.

Right, now, this is the bit where your Fairy Goa'uld Mother arranges your transport for the Ball. Cronus?

"Danielle, step aside."

"My name is Daniel!" Daniel exclaimed defiantly.

"Listen, human. I am the great and mighty god, Cronus!"

-_cough_-false god-_cough_-

"Dead false god," Teal'c added. Quite right.

Cronus continued: "If I must endure an effeminate, humorous name, then so must you."

"Hey, I'm the main character," Daniel replied. "I'm the hero. I have to be all manly."

Cronus laughed with great mirth before turning to the others. "You two humans and the shol'va." He gestured for them to get in line as Daniel watched, bemused. "You shall be turned into horses."

Jack choked on his pie. Well, that's what you get for being greedy.

"Horses?" he spluttered.

Don't talk with your mouth full, it's rude.

"I think turning us all into horses is rather rude, too!"

Actually, I want to turn you and Teal'c into horses. Sam gets to drive. I thought it'd be fun - you know, like those mice on that cartoon. Anyway, Sam always wanted a pony.

Accusing eyes turned on her.

"Actually," Sam tried, "I've never--"

Alright, fine. You have to make my life difficult, don't you?

"Sorry, it's just… I've never wanted a pony."

"I do not consent to this course of action," Teal'c stated in a rumbling voice.

How else do you expect to get to the Ball?

"I don't know," Jack responded, "but I refuse to go as a horse! I'm sorry Daniel, but there are some things I just won't do even for the sake of our friendship."

Why don't you people just co-operate for once?

"Find a better way and we might!" Jack yelled.

Garh! Fine - but it's going to cost you.

"What can be worse than being turned into a horse?" Sam enquired.

I'll show you. Jack… put the pie down.

"Excuse me?"

The pie. Put it down.

"I think you should do it, sir," Sam advised.

"But it's my pie!"

"Perhaps it would be wise for you to make such a sacrifice," Teal'c said, "unless you wish us to be transformed into equines."

Jack threw dark looks around his team before saying: "You'll pay for this, _Danielle_."

Put it down, Jack. That's it. Now, step away from the pie… good. Keep clear, now. Cronus, do your stuff.

_ZAP-BANG-TING-WHIR_

Daniel gasped. "It's turned into… a giant pumpkin!"

It's a ship, you doofas.

"That's incredible," Sam exclaimed in a hushed tone. "The organic matter seems to have mutated into some form of spacecraft. If it's functional then we may have discovered an entirely new evolutionary model where organic mimics mechanic."

Teal'c remarked: "I have never before seen such a transformation."

"You reckon the inside's still edible?" asked Jack.

Only one way to find out, Jack!

They all piled in through the hatch with Jack in the lead, eager to discover the taste of this strange monstrosity. He was disappointed.

"I'm disappointed," he declared, gazing mournfully at the solid walls. "It's all stringy and urgh."

Sam smiled. "It probably wouldn't be a good idea to eat our ship anyway, sir," she told him with a consoling pat on the arm. "We have to fly half way across the galaxy, remember?"

The others explored the vessel whilst Jack sank down into a chair made of orange fibre and grumbled. Daniel investigated the rooms at the back as Sam marvelled over the control panel made solely out of spoons; Teal'c followed Cronus closely as he… HEY! Are you trying to escape?

"No," Cronus stated. "I am attempting to find the trigger for the self-destruct and DESTROY YOU ALL! Mwuhahaha!"

Now, now, Cronus. Don't make me get Oma.

"Uh, you should probably listen to her," Daniel mumbled as he jumped down from the top deck beside his Fairy Goa'uld Mother, "unless you want to be dressed up in her Ascension Knitwear again." He shuddered. "That stuff is painful."

Teal'c, tie the evil guy up before he makes the ship explode. Sam, are you ready with those controls?

Sam looked down at the row of spoons in front of her. "I'm not sure," she said. "I mean, they're spoons."

Jack got up and waved her out of the way. "If anyone knows their way around pumpkin pie with a spoon, I do." And, to everyone's amazement, the engines started and the ship launched.

They shot up, up, up into the night sky, soaring gracefully through Earth's atmosphere and away into outer space.

_**

* * *

**__**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed the silliness! Part 2 should be written and posted by Christmas; Part 3 may come afterwards._


	2. Pumpkin Palaver

This was written for and is dedicated to Lisa!

**Title:** The Intergalactic Christmas Ball (Part 2 of 3)  
**Fandom:** Stargate SG-1  
**Pairing:** Daniel/Vala (and Sam/Jack too, if you squint)  
**Summary:** Daniel hasn't been invited to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball but there's someone there who he just has to see. With the help of his friends and a rather grumpy Goa'uld (and a large dose of direction from the Narrator) he has to make his way across the galaxy and slip in the back door...

_**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, which is probably fortunate, because if I did own SG-1 I'd do things like this in the show._

**

* * *

**

**Part Two  
**_Pumpkin Palaver_

"Uh-oh." _Crack-bang-splutter-stop_. "Carter! What did I do?"

"Sir, I don't know!"

"Jack? Sam? Why have we stopped?"

"It appears O'Neill does not meet the necessary requirements to fly this craft after all."

"Thanks Teal'c."

Contrary to popular belief, pumpkins aren't designed for interstellar travel.

On a ship destined for the renowned Intergalactic Christmas Ball, the four members of SG-1 became slightly alarmed at the sudden halt. Jonath-- er, _Jack_ O'Neill hastily moved out of the way as Sam Carter studied the spoon-laden control panel. He darted guiltily behind Teal'c for protection from his 2IC's wrath.

"What did I do?" he asked again, tentatively. "Because whatever it was, it wasn't my fault."

"Actually, sir," Sam replied, surfacing from beneath the gourd-like circuit boards, "I don't think it was."

Jack peered out from behind a bemused Teal'c. "Really?"

"Yeah - sir, I think this ship was sabotaged."

"Sabotaged?" asked everyone else together.

Daniel enquired, "But who would sabotage a flying pumpkin?"

"It vos I!" cried a voice strangled with twisted triumph. "You shall never go to ze Ball!"

SG-1 all stared at the fake foreigner as he popped up from a secret hatch in the matted floor.

"Daniel," said Jack, eyeing the man suspiciously, "why does he sound German _and_ French?"

"I don't know," replied Daniel; "he's supposed to be Russian."

"You sabotaged the ship?" asked Sam, returning (very professionally) to the matter at hand.

"Hey," Jack protested, "I'm professional."

I never said you weren't.

"You implied it!"

Heh – but the question is, can you prove it?

"Yis!" cried the Russian-German-French American actor. "I is as your witness! Ze Narrator insults your professionalisism."

Watch it, buddy, or you're fired. And I don't mean the sacked kind of fired – I mean the _fired_ kind of fired!

Teal'c aimed his staff weapon with a threatening glare.

See? Fired – with fire! Now: why did you sabotage my lovely pumpkin ship?

The fake foreigner shrugged, looking at his handiwork with a vaguely satisfied smirk. "Vell," he said slowly, "it vos in ze script."

"Will you decide on one accent instead of putting them all in the same sentence?" Jack exclaimed loudly. "Russian, French _and_ German? I don't think _that_ was in the script!"

"Sir, we really don't have time for this." Sam was gazing at him worriedly. "The Ball starts in less than an hour and we're still only on the edge of our solar system."

Jack thought about this, then rounded on the awful actor. The smaller man shrank back in fear.

"Votever you do," he said, "do not take avay my ball gown, I beg off you!"

"Oh, I won't do that," Jack replied, with a falsely reassuring smile; "but you're not going to need it anyway. You see, you made a big mistake trying to come between my buddy Daniel and his–"

"Sir!" Sam interrupted. "You can't tell him who it is; that'll give it away and Daniel will miss out on the surprise."

Daniel blinked.

"Right. So," Jack continued, "we're not going to let you go to the Ball. I don't care if you're Danny's step-sister. You're going to help Carter fix this joke of a ship and then you're going to stay here for the entire night while I decide what I'm going to do with you."

The fake foreigner wailed and protested but Jack was having none of it. Very professional, ignoring hostage demands. The actor had no choice but to show Sam how he had caused the ship to come to a halt; a few minutes later, the engines had jumped into life and the spoons had lit up.

Jack gave a satisfied nod before telling Teal'c: "Tie him up in the back with Cronus."

Actually, you're going to want to untie Cronus for this next bit, he's kind of important for the progression of the plot.

"Will you stop undermining my authority?"

I'm allowed to – I'm the Narrator!

"Fine. Teal'c, tie him up in the back but bring Cronus out. Apparently he's _important_. Carter, let's get going. We don't want to be late."

"Yes, sir."

EXIT TEAL'C.

The ship began to move again but Daniel was restless.

"Daniel," sighed Jack, "why are you restless?"

Daniel paused from pacing around the bridge and pursed his lips. "I'm going to a party I don't really want to go to with a strange foreign step-sister trying to sabotage the ship I'm on," he said with a frown; "and I still don't know why everyone's so intent on me being there."

"Ah, Daniel," Jack replied airily, "you'll thank us when we get to the Ball. Oh, look… here comes your Fairy Goa'uld Mother!"

ENTER CRONUS and TEAL'C.

"It is time," Cronus announced, "that you, Daniella" - (Daniel cringed) - "are prepared for the Ball. Come! Kneel before me, underling."

Daniel raised his eyebrows.

Actually, you do need to kneel down for this bit. Sorry.

Obediently but nervously, Daniel knelt. Teal'c stood by, staff weapon at the ready; Jack watched with amusement on his face while Sam turned to view the spectacle from her pilot's chair. Cronus raised a feather duster that had all the feel of an amateur dramatics prop.

"That must be his wand," Jack whispered to Sam, sniggering.

Hey, don't knock it 'til you've seen it glow.

In a large sweeping gesture, Cronus touched Daniel on each shoulder as if knighting him; the fluffy end of the duster beamed and a warm rosy light radiated from Daniel's kneeling form.

"Er," he said; "why am I glowing pink?"

"Suits you, _Daniella_!" Jack smirked. Daniel ignored him, but that was probably due to the fact his SGC uniform had transformed into something very round and very orange. He groaned. "Not another pumpkin!"

Cronus was busy grinning evilly.

Teal'c came to Daniel's defence, saying, "Are you suggesting Daniel Jackson is a large, orange fruit harvested from a gourd vine?"

"Teal'c," Jack replied, "I think what you want to say is, 'Are you calling him a vegetable?'" Teal'c raised his eyebrows but chose not to point out that his version was altogether more accurate. "Anyway," Jack added brightly, "I think your Fairy Goa'uld Mother is right, Danny. Orange really is your colour."

"Narrator!" Daniel complained. "Do something!"

-_grins_- Alright.

And a moment later Jack was wearing a giant rubber chicken.

"Oh," remarked Sam with a devious twinkle in her eye. "Suits you, sir."

Jack glared. "I'm not buying pants on the Fast Show, Carter," he snapped. "Cut it out."

She flashed a grin and turned back to the spoon controls.

Hehehe, alright, enough. Cronus, give Daniel something tasteful to wear - and don't forget his glasses.

"What's wrong with my glasses?"

Nothing, Daniel, but this is a masquerade ball. We're just going to decorate them elaborately for the evening.

"Oh," replied Daniel, "that's okay, I guess."

Cronus touched Daniel on each shoulder with his wand once more and the geeky archaeologist was transformed into a dashing young prince. His shoes were shiny, his hair was sleek, his trousers were pressed and his cravat was really quite astonishing. His glasses were gleaming beneath the orange light of the ship, the frames polished and bright. They were adorned with jewels and sparkles -- and somehow managed to be only a little bit tacky.

If only you could dress yourself so nicely, Cronus.

"Excuse me," called Jack as Daniel admired himself in the mirror his Fairy Goa'uld Mother was holding up for him. "Excuse me! I'm still a chicken, here."

-_snicker_- I know.

"Then if you could do something about it, maybe?"

Why should I?

"Please?"

There was a jolt and a shudder as the pumpkin spaceship came to a halt. Everyone looked around enquiringly at Sam, who explained, "We're here."

Excellent! Come on, everyone! To the Ball!

"Wait, wait," Daniel called, waving his hands in the air, "none of us have invites! How are we going to get in?"

"Daniel Jackson is correct," Teal'c rumbled. "I have attended the Intergalactic Christmas Ball before. We will not be permitted entrance without an invitation."

"You've been before, Teal'c?" Sam asked, surprised.

"Indeed," Teal'c responded with a slow head-nod. "As First Prime of Apophis. Each First Prime is stationed amongst the Imperial Guard of the Ball. It is a most sacred position."

Cronus laughed. "If you are considering infiltrating the Ball, shol'va, it is impossible," he sneered. "You are known throughout the galaxy. You would be recognised."

"I hate to say it, but the snake-head's right," Jack sighed from within his chicken suit. "Hey," he yelled at the Narrator, "will you get me outta this thing?"

Oh, al_right_. Honestly -- poultry these days.

Jack's clothes were abruptly restored to his usual fatigues. "_Thank_ you."

You're lucky, y'know.

"Why's that?" asked Jack with folded arms.

I was going to take you out of clothes altogether. giggle Shame we've got to be suitable for an all-age audience.

Daniel grinned. Sam giggled. Jack blushed.

"I'm not blushing!" Jack insisted, trying to hide his embarrassment at the near-miss of bearing all. "It's just that pink light from Cronus' feather duster!"

Haha, good excuse.

"Right," said Jack, pushing on the conversation through gritted teeth, "we need a plan to get Daniel into the Ball."

"We should probably hurry, sir," Sam added, "I think it's already started. Just listen to that music."

Everyone did, and cringed. That's what you get for letting the Asgard near the hi-fi.

"Alright, well, gotta be done," Jack sighed. "All we need to do is get Daniel inside. No-one will think twice once he's actually in there."

"I believe I can locate a rear entry point used only by catering staff," Teal'c told them all.

"In through the back door?" asked Jack. "Sweet."

So they landed in the galactic parking lot. All the occupiers of the ship (except for Daniel's step-sister) climbed out.

"Sir, what about camoflage?" Sam whispered, glancing around. Lights and music emanated from the huge, towering dome that rose up on the horizon. "If we're recognised…"

"Good thinking. Daniel, ask your Fairy Goa'uld Mother to zap us into chef's uniforms -- and if any of us get dressed up in one more novelty costume I swear I will _shoot_ somebody."

"Uh, right, Jack."

A few moments later, Jack, Sam and Teal'c were sporting chef outfits -- big hats and all.

"I shall now leave you, mortals," Cronus told them imperiously, "for I have fulfilled my contract."

"What are you going to do now?" Sam asked.

"I shall complete my vacation on an uninhabited planet and pass the time by torturing small animals."

Sam blinked. "Oh."

"Well," said Jack, pleased to be getting rid of him, "have fun! Don't bother to write."

EXIT CRONUS.

"Finally," Jack exclaimed. "Alright, Teal'c, lead the way. Daniel, try not to sparkle too much, you'll draw attention to us."

They snuck around to the back entrance and made their way inside relatively easily. One Jaffa guard stood at the doorway but Teal'c knocked him out with a hefty blow; Sam got to work on the defence shield and ten minutes later they were in the kitchens. They smuggled Daniel into the Ball and pushed him forward onto the dancefloor.

He stumbled out and paused, glancing nervously around the enormous circular room. Scores of aliens were strutting their funky stuff. Daniel had never been very comfortable with dancing in public; he didn't much like to dance in private. On the edge of the floor, Jack gestured for him to get moving. Daniel tried a few moves but he found himself getting even more self-conscious.

"No-one can dance to this!" he muttered so only the Narrator could hear.

The Gorfilligans of Worgal-ping can.

To Daniel's great relief, the wailing, whirring song came to a crashing end and some more terrestrial music filled the room.

"Hey!" Daniel exclaimed, "I know this one! _Walk like an Egyptian, doo_…"

"Go Danny!" cheered Jack as Daniel began to shuffle; he caught Sam by the hand and dragged her onto the dancefloor. One by one the alien dancers turned to survey this strange human behaviour; and, one by one, they began to join in.

The Narrator was so impressed by the turn of events that she even considered dressing up the two military members of SG-1; then she thought it would be funnier to watch them boogie on down with their big floppy chef hats.

From a glittering throne raised upon a tiered balcony, the Queen of the Ball gazed down upon the dashing Prince Daniel with great interest. An enigmatic smile touched her lips; she observed him calmly until the song had ended, then spoke quietly with a nearby attendant.

The little bluish-green alien waddled down to the dance-floor and poked Daniel in the stomach. He pointed at the Queen and then at Daniel, and beckoned him to follow. Sam laughed as Jack wolf-whistled.

"Go Danny!" he cheered again. He turned back to Sam as the music started up again. "C'mon, Carter! Dance with me!"

Daniel followed the waddling alien with a worried expression; as they passed Teal'c, the Jaffa offered a reassuring nod.

"Do you think he knows who it is yet?" asked one of two women - er, men - from the sidelines.

"No," the other sniggered. "For a geek, he's really not that perceptive."

"He clearly hasn't read the script."

"Or looked at the 'Pairings' tag at the top of the page."

They cackled together and a sudden beam of disco lighting flashed in their direction. Simmons and Kinsey - who else?

"Well, I suppose we better go and get our good-for-nothing third sister," Kinsey sighed. "If we don't get him now, he will _never_ stop complaining on the way home…"

"He looks awful in that dress," Simmons remarked; "not to mention his hair-do…"

"And his accent is the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Kinsey replied, "and I'm in politics!"

Men in drag can be so catty.

Meanwhile, Daniel was being led into a private corner of the dome. What do you mean domes can't have corners? We're on an alien planet. Not only that, we're at the Intergalactic Christmas Ball!

His small bluish-green escort toddled back out of the room. Daniel stood there very nervously, glancing about the ceiling and trying to remember how to dance ballroom. Take your hands out of your pockets, boy - she'll be here in a minute!

ENTER VALA.

FADE OUT.

Mwuhahaha! interlude, interlude It's fun, suspending the tension like this. It's one of my favourite past-times, you know. whistles Nope, nothing happening. La, la, la. Heh. Oh, alright, before I get pelted with rotten tomatoes…

FADE IN! (Is that right? -_shrug_-)

Daniel recognised her immediately. The Queen of the Ball was none other than Vala Mal Doran. Her face hidden behind a stunning headdress, she gazed at him with cool appreciation. Apparently his Fairy Goa'uld Mother had done a good job on the costume.

"I saw you on the dance floor," she told him, moving smoothly across the room. "You have quite a charm. Would you care for a drink?"

Nope, that didn't sound much like Vala, thought Daniel. Then again, she _is_ the Queen of the Ball. Maybe she has to play up to the role.

Working on that principle, Daniel replied, "Why, yes; thank you, my lady."

Vala seemed pleased with his response (good one, Danny). She poured him a glass of pumpkin juice (hey, I'm just continuing the theme here!) and pressed it into his grasp. He smiled graciously and took a sip.

"So, Prince," Vala continued after he had done so, "do you know who I am?"

Daniel looked at her uncertainly. "I've a pretty good idea, yeah."

"I am the Queen of the Ball," she replied, moving closer to remove the glass from his grip.

"Uh, actually, I hadn't, er, I hadn't finished that…" But his mumbles were lost as she set the glass down on the table behind him.

"Will you dance with me, Prince?" she asked in low, seductive tones.

-_nudge_-

"Uhm."

-_nudge nudge_-

"Er…"

Say yes, stupid! This is Vala we're talking about!

"Yes?" Daniel tried. Vala smiled and slow, exotic music began to play around them…

SCENE CHANGE! (Mwuhaha, I did it again)

On the main dancefloor, Jack and Sam were still jiving. They had even managed to persuade Teal'c to join them, though he kept jumping the wrong way during the Macarena. Jack had just begun to teach him the YMCA when Sam said:

"Sir, your hat."

"What about it, Carter?" asked Jack, slightly merry on Nox home brew.

"It's… shrinking."

Jack pulled off his chef's hat and it was promptly reduced to the size and shape of a small white Christmas cracker before disappearing with a _pop_. Sam and Teal'c quickly pulled of their own hats, which had been tightening around their foreheads; they, too, shrank and popped.

"It is no longer safe for us to remain here in these clothes," Teal'c said, dismayed at his de-hatting.

"Teal'c's right," Sam whispered. "Apart from the fact Teal'c's forehead is now exposed amongst a roomful of Goa'uld, our costumes are going to start shrinking. We need to get Daniel before his clothes shrink too."

"There's no embarrassment like shrinking pants," Jack mumbled. "Alright, here's what we do: Carter, go back to the ship and prep it for launch. Teal'c, go back through the kitchens and make sure we have a clear escape route. I'm going to get Daniel."

SCENE CHANGE.

Cronus?

"Why do you disturb me on my desert planet, puny Narrator?"

I was wondering… did you remember to tell our heroes about the time thing?

"Of what do you speak?"

You know, the clock striking twelve, get out before your clothes shrink thing.

"I did not. I assumed you had taken over my all-important role. You _did_ allow them to tie me up. I missed half a scene."

You were trying to blow up their ship!

"-_sadistic smirk_-"

So it's a no, is it?

"Leave me."

-_rollseyes_-

SCENE CHANGE.

Psst. Danny.

"Mm."

Danny.

"Mrm…"

Are you ever going to surface? Surely you need to _breathe_…

"Daniel!" Jack burst in through the door. "Daniel!"

"Mrm?" Daniel opened his eyes and took a much-needed breath.

"We gotta go, Danny!"

Daniel's eyes slipped out of focus as Vala began to place kisses along the side of his neck. "Kind of… busy… right now…" Daniel gasped. "Come… come back later…"

"Daniel, you don't understand," Jack pressed urgently. "Look at my hat!"

"I don't… see any hat…" Daniel replied, rather distractedly.

"Exactly! It shrank, it disappeared! You've got to come back to the ship."

It's no good, Jack. He's not listening.

Jack seized Daniel by the shoulders and yanked him from Vala's grasp. "Sorry, Queenie!" he yelled as he pushed a protesting Daniel ahead of him out of the door, "promised I'd have him home by midnight!"

"Jack, what the hell are you doing?" Daniel hissed.

"Daniel," replied Jack, slowly, "are you feeling any… tightness in your clothing?"

"That's none of your business," Daniel mumbled, blushing.

Jack rolled his eyes. "I'm talking about your _shirt_!" He gestured to his own chef's uniform that was by now taught across his chest.

Daniel, still dazed from Vala's advances, uttered, "Hey, did you wash that at the wrong temperature?"

Jack sighed loudly and dragged his friend through the crowds back towards the kitchens. At the exit they met Teal'c, who had been forced to abandon the upper half of his uniform altogether. They hurried bandy-legged across to the pumpkin-ship and clambered inside.

Sam was waiting. She had been able to change back into spare fatigues but had suffered enough shrinkage to empathise when Jack fell through the hatch with a yelp.

"Need - to - get - out - of - these - damn - clothes," he gasped, wriggling his shirt over his head.

Daniel stumbled in next, a puzzled look on his face. "What's going on?"

"It would be… advisable to remove all your clothing, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c told him with a pained look on his face. Sam echoed his words and quickly went to fetch proper sized garments.

A few agonising minutes later, the three men of SG-1 sat panting on the floor of the pumpkin, which was now on its way back to Earth. Gladly (or sadly -_cough_-) they were now all fully clothed.

"Engines are at maximum," Sam reported. "I just hope it's enough."

"Why wouldn't it be?" asked Jack with a frown.

"Well, sir, considering everything that has been transformed in this warped re-telling has begun to shrink, we have to assume that this ship is going to retake its natural form, too."

"As a pumpkin," said Jack.

"As a pumpkin, yes sir," Sam confirmed, "We're have to get home before midnight."

"Midnight?" repeated Daniel, who was still struggling with the situation. "Why midnight?"

Teal'c was the one to reply: "I believe, Daniel Jackson, that in the children's fairytale _Cinderella_, midnight was the crucial moment in which all things returned to their original state."

"Cinderella?" Daniel whispered in disbelief. Then he froze. "Wait."

"What?" asked Jack.

"My glasses," Daniel moaned, "I've left my glasses! They must have fallen off when I was running from the building. Guys, we've got to go back for them!"

"We can't," Sam answered, "there's no time."

"But they were my good pair!" Daniel wailed.

"You know what I'm thinking?" said Jack after a brief moment of silence.

"No sir," answered Sam, despite the rhetorical nature of his question. "What is it?"

"I'm thinking that darned Narrator hasn't butted in for a while."

Me? Oh, no. -_innocent smile_- I was just being polite, you were doing so well with the whole dramatic exit…

None of them were convinced, least of all Daniel.

"You knew this was going to happen!" he accused. "I missed getting lucky with Vala _and_ I lost my glasses!"

Hey, hey! It wasn't my fault!

"Whose fault was it, then?" Jack demanded.

Cronus was supposed to tell you about the midnight deadline thing. I thought he had done… or that you'd at least be smart enough to figure it out. You might want to check the time, by the way.

Sam checked her watch. "Sir!" she exclaimed. "It's one minute to midnight!"

Jack turned back to the Narrator. "If this ship shrinks before we get back to Earth, I will personally feed you to an Unas!"

-_shudder_-

Well, lucky for me, you're just about to enter Earth's atmosphere. Hold on tight!

The ship plummeted towards one of the planet's many landmasses in a re-entry that was only barely worthy of being called 'controlled'. The constricting power systems of the enchanted spacecraft were finding it difficult to cope under the heat and stress of the ship's descent through Earth's atmosphere and it was only due to the intervention of the Narrator that it survived.

The now not-so-giant pumpkin landed on Cheyenne Mountain, Colarado Springs and the four members of SG-1 tumbled out onto the prickly grass. They turned in time to see the pumpkin rapidly diminish and suddenly it was a slice of pumpkin pie - on a plate, with a spoon. Jack actually cheered.

"My pie!" he cried and seized it.

"My glasses!" Daniel sighed mournfully.

"My scientific study of organic power sources!" Sam added in dismay as she watched Jack shovel the ex-spaceship down.

"My hat," reflected Teal'c, quietly.

Well guys! -_nervous laugh_- You made it, huh? No hard feelings, right? I mean, no-one got hurt, did they? Um… yeah, let's end this part now before I suffer numerous head injuries or something…

"Very wise," said Jack. "Very wise."

* * *

_**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed the silliness! Part 2 should be written and posted by Christmas; Part 3 may come afterwards._


	3. Glass Glasses

This was written for and is dedicated to Lisa!

**Title:** The Intergalactic Christmas Ball (Part 3 of 3)  
**Fandom:** Stargate SG-1  
**Pairing:** Daniel/Vala (and Sam/Jack too, if you squint)  
**Summary:** Daniel hasn't been invited to the Intergalactic Christmas Ball but there's someone there who he just has to see. With the help of his friends and a rather grumpy Goa'uld (and a large dose of direction from the Narrator) he has to make his way across the galaxy and slip in the back door...

_**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, which is probably fortunate, because if I did own SG-1 I'd do things like this in the show._

* * *

**Part Three  
**_Glass Glasses_

Daniel was not having a very Merry Christmas. Sitting in his lab with Jack, the linguist sulked from behind an old pair of wonky glasses. This wasn't the Narrator's fault; not her fault at all!

Daniel looked up from sulking. "Yes it was."

Wasn't.

"Was."

Wasn't.

"It was! You didn't tell us about the midnight deadline!"

I wasn't supposed to tell you about the midnight deadline. That was the job of your Fairy Goa'uld Mother.

"How can you trust anything to a Goa'uld?" Jack asked from beside his distraught friend.

I had firm assurances from Cronus' agent…

Jack pulled a face and waved the explanation away dismissively. "I wonder where Carter and Teal'c have got to?" he said loudly. Daniel looked at him.

"You know where they are," he said.

"You mean you heard me tell them to go get the Santa's Sack?" Jack asked, and when Daniel nodded he looked very disappointed. "It was supposed to be a surprise!" he complained.

ENTER SAM, TEAL'C and… SANTA!

"Look who we found," Sam grinned and sat down beside Jack.

"Father Christmas?" asked Daniel with a worried look.

"No, sir," Father Christmas replied.

"It is not," Teal'c added unnecessarily.

"It's Siler!" Jack laughed, faking surprise. "What have you got for us, Santa Siler?"

'Santa Siler' began dishing out presents, looking suspiciously as though he had done this before. However, the Narrator has been asked to assure the Audience that Sergeant Siler does not make a habit of dressing up in red and showering unsuspecting individuals with things drawn from a big sack.

Sure, Siler. And Daniel hasn't got an addiction to caffeine. -rollseyes-

"I haven't!" said Daniel, in the middle of unwrapping his present.

That's what I said, Daniel.

"-_suspicious glare_-"

Just open the present, will you? Your friends are trying to cheer you up, you know!

"Oh, really?" asked Daniel dryly. "I thought they were trying to weird me out with yet another man dressing up in strange clothes."

Now, Daniel, don't be ungrateful. Say thank you to the nice people.

Daniel mumbled a brief "thanks" and went back to his present, which turned out to be a new journal and a bottle of mace.

"In case your Ugly Step-Sisters come to visit again," Jack explained.

"Uh, thanks," Daniel replied; "that was very… thoughtful."

Hey, don't I get a present?

"You?" asked Jack. "Why would we get you anything?"

That hurts. Really.

"We'd never even met you before you roped us into this story," Sam pointed out.

That's no excuse. You could have given me a calendar, a diary, a box of chocolates. Everyone has those sorts of things left over on Christmas Day.

"Yeah, actually, why are we still on base at Christmas?" enquired Daniel with a confused look. "Shouldn't we have downtime or something?"

"The Narrator considered December 25th to be the most opportune day for the next chapter of the story," Teal'c informed them all wisely. "We are asked to set aside our personal preferences for the benefit of the Audience."

"I don't care about the Audience," Jack complained, now in a thoroughly bad mood at the realisation he was at work for Christmas Day. "I should be sitting by a warm fire enjoying my own company, not stuck here playing along to a fairy tale that might not even have a happy ending!"

I resent that! There will be a happy ending!

Siler glanced around the members of SG-1. "Things don't look too happy at the moment," he remarked.

And whose fault is that, then?

"Yours!" exclaimed everyone in unison.

-_pout_-

I've had enough of this, it's far too depressing.

EXIT SILER and… SCENE CHANGE!

The klaxons wailed loudly as the four members of SG-1 sprinted into the Control Room. The Stargate whirred and hissed as it span freely below them, its metal iris firmly sealed.

"What's happening?" asked Jack in a very attractive -- I mean, uh, authoritative manner.

"Incoming wormhole," reported Walter from his computer station. He was wearing a very festive hat and looked rather like an elf. Walter, why do you look rather like an elf?

"Sergeant Siler asked me to help him cheer up Doctor Jackson," answered Walter, looking down at his green costume. "Then I remembered I had a scene to do."

Aw, that's nice. I don't think it would have helped though, they're all being right misery-guts…

"Hey," protested Daniel dejectedly.

You are! Oh, well, maybe this will cheer you up.

The wormhole engaged and there was a brief pause for tension… then Walter exclaimed: "Sir! We're getting a signal." …Another dramatic pause… "It's the Tok'ra."

Open the iris!

"Hey," Jack exclaimed, affronted, "that's my line."

Oh! You're right. Sorry.

"Open the iris!"

The great structure retracted with a reassuringly metallic sound and a moment later a scantily-clad figure stepped out of the event horizon.

Jack groaned.

"Why did you have to have the iris opening?" he demanded. "Why couldn't we have just kept it shut? Then we could have heard a lovely thud as her body impacted the metal."

You're the one who gave the order.

"You're the one who put it in the script!"

"Sir, I really don't like this anymore than you do, believe me," Sam interjected, "but if it's part of the storyline…"

"We better just get on with it, I know," Jack sighed. "Just don't leave me alone with that woman."

They all agreed to that. Teal'c took it as a personal request and vowed to take on the responsibility himself.

"Thanks, big guy," Jack responded appreciatively and they made their way down into the Gate Room to meet their unwanted guest.

"Anise!" Jack called with feigned enthusiasm, "Freya. How _wonderful_ to see you." The others struggled to keep straight faces at his dripping sarcasm. Even Teal'c had a devilish glint in his eye.

"General O'Neill," Freya greeted with a small bow. "We bring seasonal tidings from the Tok'ra High Council."

"How very nice," Jack replied. "Happy Christmas to you, too. Well, if that's all…"

"No, General, it is not," came the somewhat sharper tones of Anise. Jack's face visibly fell. "We have important business to discuss concerning Doctor Jackson."

"Me?"

Daniel, why do you look so surprised? This whole story is about you.

"Oh, yeah… I forgot."

"Sir," said Sam, "perhaps the Briefing Room…?"

"My thoughts exactly, Carter," Jack nodded. He gestured for Anise to lead the way - "Snake-heads - I mean, uh, ladies first!" - and pulled a face at the others as soon as her back was turned. Hehehe… good one, Jack.

SCENE CHANGE!

Up in the Briefing Room, SG-1 listened somewhat reluctantly to the purpose of Anise and Freya's visit. At the mention of Vala, however, Daniel stiffened in his seat -- no, you dirty-minded… I mean he sat up straight!

-_sighs_- Honestly.

"As you all know," Freya began, "the Intergalactic Christmas Ball was held last night, on Christmas Eve. The Queen of the Ball…"

"Vala," interjected Daniel.

Freya gazed at him incredulously. "How do you know of the Queen's identity?"

"The Narrator informed us prior to start of this story," Teal'c replied matter-of-factly.

"Plus it was in the script," offered Sam.

"So what about Vala?" pressed an anxious Daniel. "What happened, is she alright?"

"Of course she's alright, Daniel!" Jack answered him. "Haven't you read over to the next page?"

There was a pause as Daniel dug out a crumpled script from his pocket and leafed through it. His eyes widened. "Oh," he smiled; and what Freya had to say didn't come as so much of a surprise after that.

"The Queen of the Ball wishes to…" - Freya turned the page of her own script - "…uncover the identity of a mysterious suitor whom she met at the Ball."

"Whom," corrected Jack automatically.

Er, Jack, you don't need to correct her. She got it right.

"What?" asked Jack, clearly disappointed. "Can't we re-write that bit so that I get to sound smart for once? Grammar is my only academic strength!"

If I do this will everyone stop throwing me dirty looks?

There was murmuring and nodding. "Yes," announced Jack.

Oh… good! Freya?

"The Queen of the Ball wishes to uncover the identity of a mysterious suitor who she met at the Ball."

"Wait, wait," said Daniel, "can we drop that last 'Ball'? It's repeating the first one and makes Vala seem less important."

Listen, if you'd wanted to change lines in the script, you should have come to me in the final drafting! This is live action here, people!

"I just thought it might sound better," Daniel mumbled.

Can we get on with the next line?

"I haven't been able to correct Anise properly yet!" Jack protested.

"Freya," Freya stated. "Anise is not in control right now, Colonel."

"Hey, that's unfair! She can't be correcting me when I haven't been able to correct her!"

ARGH! STOP! Just… stop.

Freya, say your line but with the word 'dance' instead of the word 'Ball'. Jack, you may correct Freya for her inproper grammar. Daniel, I know you have already peeked at the script but please, please try to look surprised and delighted. Sam, Teal'c… just carry on, you're doing good.

"Thanks," Sam smiled brightly as Teal'c bowed his head.

"The Queen of the Ball wishes to uncover the identity of a mysterious suitor who she met at the _dance_."

"Whom!" corrected Jack triumphantly. Daniel fell off his chair in shock.

Daniel…

"Hm?" asked Daniel from the floor.

…have you ever heard of the term 'over-acting'?

Daniel blushed and scrambled hastily back to his seat.

"Freya," Sam said, kindly moving the story along, "how do you propose to find out who it was? A lot of people must be claiming it was them."

"It was me! It was me!"

Anise came forward, as she thought she would do a better job of ignoring Daniel bouncing excitedly in his seat. "You are correct," she told Sam, "this was our primary concern. However, the man in question left behind these." And she held up Daniel's glasses, still magnificently decorated for the Christmas Ball.

"Those are mine! Those are mine!"

"We have devised a way to assess the true owner of these lenses," Anise continued. "Perhaps we should go to your Infirmary so that I may set up my equipment?"

Jack and Sam exchanged uneasy glances.

"Maybe you should tell us exactly what that involves before we start tinkering around in people's heads, hm?" Jack suggested.

"It would be easier to simply show you," Anise replied.

"But safer to tell us first."

As Anise's patience was waning, Freya persuaded her symbiote that she should do the talking before they were thrown unceremoniously off the base. "I assure you, General, it is nothing more than a simple eye test. The personnel of your base will be seated and given the glasses to wear. They will then be asked to read letters of varying sizes from a test card placed at a set distance in front of them."

"Oh. Well," said Jack. "That sounds okay."

"And then we will scan they optic nerve using the Opthalmic…"

"Hey!" Jack interrupted. "That doesn't sound safe!"

"It is, General, I assure you."

"You've assured me way too many times for me to believe in your assurances," Jack told her darkly.

Wow. Maybe we really should have revised the script once more. That's a lot of assuring.

"Jack," Daniel sighed, "let her at least test me. I have to take this chance to see Vala again. If I don't, she'll never know it was me she danced with."

She did more than dance with you, that's for sure…

All eyes turned to Daniel, whose face reddened dramatically.

"Jack," Daniel said again, fighting to complete his persuasive appeal. Emotional music played sympathetically in the background. "I need to do this. I have to try."

Jack gazed at Daniel for what seemed like a long while, then sent a doubtful glance in Freya's direction.

"Alright," he said at last, with the heavy air of a man making a hard decision. "Test him."

FADE OUT.

Ooh, it's getting tense, isn't it? Just feel that gravity pulling the situation down! Well, you wanted a Christmas story, and what's Christmas without a little tension? The tension waiting for the parcels, waiting for the presents and in Jack's case, waiting for the pies… Ah, here we go!

FADE IN! (Someone informed me this was, in fact, correct. Go me! And go them! for answering my query…)

An hour later, Jack and Sam sat apprehensively in a forbidding observation room. Beyond the glass, Anise was setting up her equipment; Daniel fidgeted nervously, having been strapped down to the chair. Teal'c stood by, zat gun raised and ready.

"Are the restraints absolutely necessary?" asked Sam quietly, disturbed by her friend's distress. Jack gave a tight-lipped shrug that told her he didn't know but he wasn't going to take any chances; he remembered what had happened the last time they were here.

Anise turned towards them from below.

"We are ready to begin."

Jack gave a short consenting nod and she moved back towards her apparatus, gazing at Daniel in all seriousness. She activated her equipment. Indicating the small glowing lens that sat atop the arm of the device, she said, "Please direct your vision here."

Daniel did so and flinched slightly as a bright white beam swept into each eye in turn.

"Please read these letters aloud and speak clearly; take care not to iterate them out of order."

Daniel swallowed and began to read.

"H…"

"What if this doesn't work?" Sam whispered to Jack.

"A…"

"_What if this doesn't work_?" Jack replied incredulously, staring at her.

"P…"

"It'll work," Sam said quickly.

"P…"

"Did he just repeat the same later twice?" Jack asked worriedly. Teal'c's grip had tensed around his weapon.

"Y…"

"Maybe he's just nervous," Sam suggested.

"N…"

"Yeah," Jack agreed. "Nervous. I mean, the machine has to take that into account, right?"

"E…"

"Right?"

"W…"

"Yes sir, I'm sure it does."

"Y…"

"I can't believe this is happening on Christmas Day."

"E…"

"Well, it's not really Christmas Day anymore, sir," Sam replied. "The Narrator took so long in writing this chapter, the rest of the world is living out New Year's Eve."

"A…"

"_What_? You mean I could be at some lively New Year's party right now, making a mess and spiking the punch?"

"R…"

"I'm afraid so, sir, yes."

There was a threatening silence.

"Carter," Jack growled, "remind me to shoot the Narrator several times with a shotgun."

"…Yessir."

"The test is finished," Freya announced from the room below, just in time to save the Narrator from a rather painful death. "Daniel has perfect vision wearing those glasses. Oh, and he's not a Zatarc, either."

"Yes!" Jack cheered, and hurried down to the testing room, Sam close behind. Teal'c lowered his zat gun and unstrapped Daniel from the chair.

"I am most relieved," he told Daniel, who was so elated he hugged him.

"Whew," Jack smiled, "so Danny! You're off to see the Queen!"

"Yeah, I guess I am!" Daniel laughed, not quite able to believe it. He stood thoughtfully for a moment, then said, "Wait a minute, aren't my Ugly Step-Sisters supposed to take the test as well to prove that I'm the best after all?"

Well, yes, but that would have meant shelling out their wages for a whole third chapter. Besides, they really began to grind my gears, y'know? Really began to get annoying. So, let's get this happy ending on the road!

Daniel, you get to spend the New Year with the stunning Vala Mal Doran!

Sam, Jack will finally have enough punch and offer a drunken kiss! He won't remember it and you can smirk at him knowingly until he asks 'What are you smiling at?' across the table in the Briefing Room!

Teal'c, your last Christmas present was HAIR, and this year you're going to get MORE HAIR!

Jack, when you get back to your cabin tomorrow you will find a small cardboard box with airholes, the contents of which barks!

And you Audience, sitting there in front of your computer screen, will go away with the knowledge that you - yes, you - partook in the strangest retelling of Cinderella in the Stargate Universe.

Thank you and good night!

-_ALL BOW_-

Let's see the full cast in all their glory. In order of appearance:

DOCTOR DANIEL 'Too-Busy-For-Girls-Except-Those-That-Threaten-The-Wellbeing-Of-Earth' JACKSON!

THE THREE UGLY SISTERS: SENATOR KINSEY, COLONEL SIMMONS and UNDERPAID (and unnamed) AMERICAN ACTOR!

GENERAL JACK 'Don't-Call-Me-Jonathan' O'NEILL!

LIEUTENANT COLONEL SAMANTHA 'Useful-For-Furthering-The-Plot' CARTER!

FORMER PRIME OF APOPHIS 'This-Tag-Doesn't-Quite-Work-In-His-Case-Because-He-Has-No-Last-Name' TEAL'C!

THE FABULOUS FAIRY GOA'ULD MOTHER: CRONUS!

A JAFFA THAT GETS KNOCKED OUT WITHIN THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF HIS APPEARANCE: NORMAN!

THE STUNNING QUEEN OF THE BALL: VALA MAL DORAN!

…and a small, bluish-green alien as HER ATTENDANT!

With Special Guest Appearances from:

SERGEANT SILER as SANTA SILER!

SERGEANT WALTER 'Formerly-Known-As-Davis' HARRIMAN as ELF and TECHNICIAN!

ANISE and her host FREYA as OVERLY-SEXED FEMALE ALIEN!

With thanks to:

LISA for inspiring me to write this!

CINDERELLA for letting me borrow her story!

EVERYONE AT STARGATE for enabling me, the Narrator, to so readily steal their cast and manipulate them solely for the purpose of Christmas entertainment!

And lastly…

THE AUDIENCE for setting aside their better judgement and actually finding this story FUNNY!

THANK YOU ALL!

-_ONE LAST BOW AND CURTAINS DOWN_-

**---the end---**

* * *

_**A/N:** Wow! So I finally managed to finish it. It took me five days to get this started, but only three hours to actually write it last night. Funny how fast things can go when you get into it! Well, I hope you all enjoyed it and I hope you all have a great New Year. Thanks guys!_


End file.
